r/IAmA, u/BetterAlone
I am a guy with “covert” Schizoid Personality Disorder. That is, I don’t give a damn about people and prefer to stay alone and self-sufficient but I fake extroversion to get by.
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Problem is, I also like to accomplish stuff (entirely for my own sense of internal satisfaction) and I need other people to do that. So I fake extroversion and interest in other people even if I don’t give a fuck. This actually exacerbates my pre-existing sense of existential isolation, since it shows how easily people can be handled.
I have been defined as “bubbly” and “charismatic”. Absurd.
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[deleted user]
deep down I actually feel a desperate need for love and friendship
Hahaha…oh, no you don’t, you only think you do. You’ll eventually just be disappointed/bored by it if you do find it, and discard it like every other social function you have encountered. I’m sure you have already tossed potential friendships away simply because you became uninterested after a few days/weeks, so you know what I mean.
What I think that people like us are actually feeling, is the hollowness of our egocentric fantasies which we wrap our minds in. Our ideal level of emotional interaction is so completely removed from reality that it is literally unobtainable. I think that intellectually we realize this, so it causes some angst, if only because we think that we will likely never be able to fulfill our fantasy.